Monday, January 31, 2011

"FREE" and why we don't complain about it.

I think I'm pretty good at compromise. There are a lot of things that we have each wanted that neither of us has gotten because we compromised. He wanted a new camera. I wanted to go on a cruise. Instead we got a new TV. It worked. And it continues to work. We both look at our list of wants and if our first priority isn't the same we move on down the list until we find something we both want. It's perfect. Most of the time. 

Just recently the aunt of the neighbor of my mother (got that?) was moved into a nursing home. My mother's neighbor, Mary, has been very busy cleaning out the house and getting it ready for her son-in-law to move in (still following?). About two weeks ago my mother brought over a few of the pieces from the house. 

For free. 

Now I'm not sure if you've heard but I work third shift at a hotel front desk. My FiancĂ© doesn't work at the moment as he is a full time student. He does get some money for living expenses from the government, but it's really nothing to sneeze at. I make the big money in our family... If you can call $1000 a month big money. Now, don't get feeling sorry for us just yet, we do manage to keep the wolf from the door somehow and there are plenty of people in the world far less fortunate than we are. 

However, just because we are scraping by and making ends meet does not mean we are above taking the occasional 'free' this-or-that-or-the-other-thing. Of course in this case, by we I mean I. James hates accepting 'charity' from anyone. Especially my mother. I can't quite figure out why. 

So, she brought over this chair...

Wait, let me go back a bit. So my family was over for Christmas to see our tree. We have one reclining chair, and one large sofa in our living room. That's it. There are eight of us. I think that makes my point. Back to this chair...

Looks pretty classy next to the record player huh?

James hates this chair. He mentions every day how ugly it is. Now, I know it's not the prettiest chair in the world. In fact it's positivity hideous. But it was free.


Somehow in my world 'free' is like the ultimate trump card.
 I don't care if you don't like it. It was free.
We can't afford furniture.
My mother's neighbor was kind enough to offer us this chair.
For free.

*blink, blink*

How is this decision complicated? It's a free chair. Now one less person has to sit on the floor when company is over. It was free.


Nope. Don't care. The chair is staying. It was free.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Twitter: America's only culturally accepted strip club.

You know how when you're in a strip club for the first time? And you get that voi-
What do you mean some of  you've never been in a strip club?
Yeah, I was there with Tyler once.
Yes, he's gay.... Why? Is that weird?
ANYWAY, so you're there, right? And this is what's going on in your head

You're here to look, that's the point of a strip club.  
You're supposed to look,  why did you come here if you're not going to look?
Just look. People are going to think you're weird if you keep staring at the ceiling. JUST LOOK!
Okay! Okay I'm gonna look. 

Two second glance then your eyes focus anywhere but on the flappy hoo-ha directly in front of your face.

This is what I feel like every time I look at a celebrity's twitter page.  It makes me really uncomfortable. Like I'm staring a a giant, foldy, hoo-ha.

Last night while I was bored at work I went through and picked a couple of celebrities to follow, because ah...  EVERYONE is doing it you know! I did already have some people on my list. No HUGE names or anything, just a few famous people. If I named them here I'm sure some of you would still be like, "Um... who the heck is that?"  But last night when I started following NPH, Pink, Lady Gaga, etc.... Things got strange.

NPH is gushing about fatherhood
Pink is trying to assemble a crib for the baby
Tom Felton has odd food cravings.

I can't do this. This is weird. 
It's fine, people do this all the time. 
This feels really, really wrong... Like I'm a stalker or something.
Quit being such a baby! It's just a little hoo-ha.

And that's when it hit me.

I don't know these people. I have no right to be looking at their hoo-has! Twitter is like a giant strip club of one sided relationships with people who will never return the affection/attraction you feel for them. Five years ago the only way I would know Rob Thomas is watching "It's a Wonderful Life" is if I were peaking in his living room window. Now it's automatically sent to my cell phone. Why do we feel like it's okay be be privy to this (sometimes really private) information?

* No offense is intended by this post *

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm channeling my inner George Carlin today...

So this is just a short list of things that are pissing me off:

1) People with faux-hawks.
-PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. This is not New Jersey. You do not look cool. You look like a douche. This fad was over two years ago. David Beckham doesn't even look good like this anymore (and that's saying something because it takes a lot for me to not think David Beckham looks good). Next time I see one of you douchers out with your hair all gel-ed up like an ass hat I'm going to tar and feather you. Enough is enough.

2) The neighbor who gives me dirty looks when I run out to get the mail at three in the afternoon in my pajama pants and tank top.
-Don't judge me. You don't know me. I don't judge you when your wife sunbathes topless on the deck in your backyard or when your children (who are only outside twice a year btw) eat sand out of your sandbox. I work a third shift job. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being in my pajamas at 3:00pm. Maybe I'll start going out in just a thong and then you'll be thankful when I'm in my pajama pants!

3) People who live in the United States and can't speak English (and don't try to either)
-Don't get me wrong on this one. I know it's a super controversial issue. However, I know I would NEVER dream of permanently (or even long term temp) moving to a country where they speak a foreign language without beforehand making a serious effort to speak their language. I don't even expect people to speak English when I travel to foreign countries for vacation (even though most do). I always ensure that I have a dictionary in the language and some important phrases memorized. AND I'M JUST VISITING.  I don't care what you speak at home, I don't care what you speak at the grocery store but you should be capable of communicating with the majority of the population in the country where you are living.  I think it's wrong that people come here and expect to be accommodated when they make no effort to learn our language.

4) Motion Sensor Hand Soap Dispenser for you home
-This is a big one. I could write an entire post on this subject alone. As most of my IRL friends know I'm pretty disgusted by the American Germ Freak stigma. I don't wash my hands anytime I touch anything, I eat food that falls on the floor, and I don't get a clean towel every time I take a shower. In fact I don't even shower every day (I know some of you are cringing right now). So every time I see the commercial for this stupid pointless object (that I'm sure flies off the shelves at Wal-marts nation wide because it feeds some kind of cultural fear that if you aren't completely protected from all germs everywhere you WILL GET SICK AND DIE) I want to scream and tear my hair out.  There is no excuse to ever own one of these. EVER. And do you want to know why? Because you will never, ever, for any reason, what so ever, be touching the pump on your soap dispenser unless you are doing so to get soap on your hands to WASH THEM there by removing any germs you may have contracted when touching the pump. Get it? Good. stupid pointless grumble grumble...

Don't even get me started on that stupid backwards housecoat they are calling a 'Snuggie'. Seriously, go in the closet and get your robe and put in on backwards. There! You have a Snuggie.

5) Reality TV
- I can't even begin to explain how annoyed I am by reality TV. I miss sitcoms. Seriously, what happened to shows like Seinfeld and Friends? Did we really all get sick of that kind of television and make a collective decision that we would rather watch guidos flex and dry hump? I, for one, get way to much 'reality' at work. I would rather settle down on the couch with a soda and some chips and watch something that doesn't cause me to loose even more faith in humanity.

There. Rant officially over. Those are just my opinions about a few things that grind my gears. What are a few things that piss you guys off?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Can I trade my degree in for something cool? Like a dart gun?

Hi there how are you doing this evening?
...Is there something I can help you with?
     -Yeah, um... how much are your rooms for a night?
Well, since it's three o'clock in the morning I could probably give you a discount. How does $59.00 plus tax marked down from $89.00 sound?
     -Well, we um... only really need it for an hour or so... do you think you could go any cheaper than that?
*Internal Shudder* No, I'm sorry sir I'm not authorized to go any lower than $59.00 a night, but if you'd like I think the Super 8 across the street might have lower rates available.

So, apparently I have an associates degree in "Useless" because after four months of looking for a job I've finally landed one... where I do nothing for 5+ hours every night. I work third shift front desk at a Best Western. I literally come into work click about 10 buttons on the computer put all the shit that prints in an envelope and write the date on it. Then I put the envelope in a drawer and if no one calls down to complain or comes in with a hooker looking for a cheap bed for an hour I do nothing for the remainder of my shift. If it weren't for StumbleUpon I think I would go bezerk.
     Actually, I am going bezerk. I've already been offered and taken a different position... working at Avis DOING THE SAME THING for a dollar more an hour. So, I put my two-weeks notice in last week and the manager (who specifically told me he's not looking for an employee who's going to get hired and then leave in 15 days) has been nonstop giving me these super dirty looks, and I'm like, "Hey man, you should have told me before I signed the paperwork that you offer no benefits... Not even holiday pay. I mean what's up with that anyway? Who doesn't offer holiday pay for their employees? Even when I was in high school working part time I got time and a half when I physically worked a holiday."  But he doesn't really speak English very well so I didn't feel like repeating myself.
     Anyway, now I'm sitting here... at work... wondering why I even bothered to go to school and get myself $20,000 in debt if I'm just getting the same old positions I was getting before I even got my degree. This is the fourth hotel I've worked in since I started working in high school. Now, in less than two weeks I'll be training for a job that's basically the same thing only instead of checking people in and out of rooms I'll be checking cars out and in to the airport. The real kicker? I'll still be making barely enough to pay for that college degree that I was so consistently encouraged to get when I got out of high school.
     I think it's less a degree in "Useless" and more a useless degree and it's really sad because there are more and more people who are graduating from college tens of thousands of dollars in debt and struggling to find work at McDonald's. I can't tell you how many times I've seen resumes come in for a hotel job like housekeeping from people with full bachelors degrees. Meanwhile another company just reported a huge profit increase in the fourth quarter last year, but are they hiring this year because of it? No sir, they've learned the hard way not to spread themselves too thin by paying 5 people to do a job that they found out during the recession can actually be accomplished by 2 highly motivated people. And what's a better motivator than, "Do all this extra work as well as your existing work or I'll fire you and hire someone who will"?    
     Boy oh boy, I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about my shit job when there are so many people out of work, but what can I say? I'm a little bitter about the whole thing.

But this is the land of the free and the home of the brave, so I guess I'll do my best to work my hardest and maybe when I die and they dish out my money amongst my remaining relatives there will be slightly more than I have now. Old habits die hard after all.

I wonder what classes they're offering at Oshkosh this next year...

Sunday, January 9, 2011

On a much happier note...

So, Christmas is over and it's officially the new year. Welcome to 2011. Woot.

As an annual requirement of existence I will now share my list of resolutions in order of their likelihood of surviving the month:
1) Stop laughing obscenely loudly at inappropriate times/ things.
     -Replace behavior with: quiet snickering that can be transformed into a cough if necessary
2) Learn how to recognize inappropriate times/ things, I will accomplish this by studying the speeches of Sarah Palin as everything she says is inappropriate.
     -She has that new show right? On TLC? This should be easy...
3) Stop referencing my pet fiddler crabs in Wal-mart as 'our crabs' just to see the reaction from the old bag wearing the leopard print behind us in line. (Honey did we pick up stuff for our crabs this month?)
4) Read more. The TV Guide menu doesn't count... Neither does the scrolling sign that is visible from the McDonald's drive thru.
5) Only spend money on things we need. Condoms, milk duds, and the fourth season of Big Love. No more spending money on non-essentials like gym memberships, hair cuts, and foods that give me gas.

Ah I feel better already. This is going to be a great year!