Haiku Mondays... and a post from last week that I "forgot" about because it's depressing.

Working third shift sucks.

It makes my sleep time lonely.

But, no snores wake me.

:)

Speaking of work... I lost my second job. Like... six weeks ago. I haven't said anything about it because it sucks. And thinking about it makes my heart hurt a lot a little bit. 

So that house we were going to buy that I referenced in this post? Yeah, never mind about that.  No way that'll happen on one part-time income. I was crushed. 

I used the down payment money in my savings account to buy ice cream... and a scooter since gas is projected to soar over $5 a gallon this summer.

I mention it now because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the future of our little family lately. 

James is |--this--| close to being locked in with the Air Force, we are having a wedding in September,  I have yet to finish my degree, and now we are one income down from where we are supposed to be. 

Random (but totally relevant) thing you probably don't know about me: I'm a super anxious, cynical, hyper-planner freak. I literally sit down and budget out my funds month by month for YEARS in advance. I know it makes very little sense. I rarely manage to stick to the budget for more than two months at a time because things come up. But it makes me feel better. Like I have a little more control over the direction of my life. 

I probably engage in this obsessive behavior 2 or 3 times a month. 

And right now I can't. 

Everything is too up in the air. I don't know what our financial situation will be next week, much less in three months. Now, I feel like I'm paddling my way through one of the biggest decisions of my life (marriage), completely blind. 

I second guess myself six times a day and it's getting to me. 

2nd Random (but totally relevant) thing you probably don't know about me: I'm an impulse shopper. If I have too much time to think about something I will, inevitably talk myself out of it. I have been known to go to three different tattoo shops to get my tattoo right now, this minute because if I have to make an appointment, I'll bail. 

Not to mention the fact that now I am only working part time so I have WAY too much time on my hands to spend thinking. 

I maintain that I don't need a full time job right now because I'm so busy planning for the wedding but... I'm really starting to think I'm just scared of putting myself into another job and getting fired.

I've never been fired before this, and let me just say something... I never, ever thought it would suck this bad. I can honestly say that even after a super rocky adolescence of depression and suicide attempts, I never felt this worthless.

It's kind of like the feeling of believing you're completely worthless and then finding out your belief was entirely justified. 

I'm over my angst-y, teenage, depression and I would never even dream of attempting suicide again, but I'm not going to lie... I spent three days straight in bed, crying and making James get me McDonalds and ice cream.

Now, six weeks after the fact,  I'm not feeling so worthless anymore. I'm kind of over it, I try to be all Christian and accept it as 'it wasn't meant to be' even though I don't believe in that... 

But, all of the sudden it's like I'm gun-shy. I find myself looking at job listings with leftover feelings of inadequacy. I don't even bother applying because I tell myself it's not worth getting my hopes up.  

And with so much else going on? It's easy to just add it to the list of things in my pot of worry-stew. 

Marriage?

Air Force?

Job?

Degree?

Chuck in some low self-esteem.

fat.

annoying.

lazy.

stupid.

And a dash of every day concerns.

Did the rent check go out?

Who fed the dogs?

Eye doctor appointment Thursday at 8:45

Where the heck is my cell phone!?

Viola! 

"I'll have another Kessler's and Coke please?"

Can I trade my degree in for something cool? Like a dart gun?

Hi there how are you doing this evening?
     -Mehhh
...Is there something I can help you with?
     -Yeah, um... how much are your rooms for a night?
Well, since it's three o'clock in the morning I could probably give you a discount. How does $59.00 plus tax marked down from $89.00 sound?
     -Well, we um... only really need it for an hour or so... do you think you could go any cheaper than that?
*Internal Shudder* No, I'm sorry sir I'm not authorized to go any lower than $59.00 a night, but if you'd like I think the Super 8 across the street might have lower rates available.


So, apparently I have an associates degree in "Useless" because after four months of looking for a job I've finally landed one... where I do nothing for 5+ hours every night. I work third shift front desk at a Best Western. I literally come into work click about 10 buttons on the computer put all the shit that prints in an envelope and write the date on it. Then I put the envelope in a drawer and if no one calls down to complain or comes in with a hooker looking for a cheap bed for an hour I do nothing for the remainder of my shift. If it weren't for StumbleUpon I think I would go bezerk.
     Actually, I am going bezerk. I've already been offered and taken a different position... working at Avis DOING THE SAME THING for a dollar more an hour. So, I put my two-weeks notice in last week and the manager (who specifically told me he's not looking for an employee who's going to get hired and then leave in 15 days) has been nonstop giving me these super dirty looks, and I'm like, "Hey man, you should have told me before I signed the paperwork that you offer no benefits... Not even holiday pay. I mean what's up with that anyway? Who doesn't offer holiday pay for their employees? Even when I was in high school working part time I got time and a half when I physically worked a holiday."  But he doesn't really speak English very well so I didn't feel like repeating myself.
     Anyway, now I'm sitting here... at work... wondering why I even bothered to go to school and get myself $20,000 in debt if I'm just getting the same old positions I was getting before I even got my degree. This is the fourth hotel I've worked in since I started working in high school. Now, in less than two weeks I'll be training for a job that's basically the same thing only instead of checking people in and out of rooms I'll be checking cars out and in to the airport. The real kicker? I'll still be making barely enough to pay for that college degree that I was so consistently encouraged to get when I got out of high school.
     I think it's less a degree in "Useless" and more a useless degree and it's really sad because there are more and more people who are graduating from college tens of thousands of dollars in debt and struggling to find work at McDonald's. I can't tell you how many times I've seen resumes come in for a hotel job like housekeeping from people with full bachelors degrees. Meanwhile another company just reported a huge profit increase in the fourth quarter last year, but are they hiring this year because of it? No sir, they've learned the hard way not to spread themselves too thin by paying 5 people to do a job that they found out during the recession can actually be accomplished by 2 highly motivated people. And what's a better motivator than, "Do all this extra work as well as your existing work or I'll fire you and hire someone who will"?    
     Boy oh boy, I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about my shit job when there are so many people out of work, but what can I say? I'm a little bitter about the whole thing.


But this is the land of the free and the home of the brave, so I guess I'll do my best to work my hardest and maybe when I die and they dish out my money amongst my remaining relatives there will be slightly more than I have now. Old habits die hard after all.


I wonder what classes they're offering at Oshkosh this next year...