Monday, April 11, 2011

Haiku Mondays... and a post from last week that I "forgot" about because it's depressing.

Working third shift sucks.
It makes my sleep time lonely.
But, no snores wake me.

Speaking of work... I lost my second job. Like... six weeks ago. I haven't said anything about it because it sucks. And thinking about it makes my heart hurt a lot a little bit. 

So that house we were going to buy that I referenced in this post? Yeah, never mind about that.  No way that'll happen on one part-time income. I was crushed. 

I used the down payment money in my savings account to buy ice cream... and a scooter since gas is projected to soar over $5 a gallon this summer.

I mention it now because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the future of our little family lately. 

James is |--this--| close to being locked in with the Air Force, we are having a wedding in September,  I have yet to finish my degree, and now we are one income down from where we are supposed to be. 

Random (but totally relevant) thing you probably don't know about me: I'm a super anxious, cynical, hyper-planner freak. I literally sit down and budget out my funds month by month for YEARS in advance. I know it makes very little sense. I rarely manage to stick to the budget for more than two months at a time because things come up. But it makes me feel better. Like I have a little more control over the direction of my life. 

I probably engage in this obsessive behavior 2 or 3 times a month. 

And right now I can't. 

Everything is too up in the air. I don't know what our financial situation will be next week, much less in three months. Now, I feel like I'm paddling my way through one of the biggest decisions of my life (marriage), completely blind. 

I second guess myself six times a day and it's getting to me. 

2nd Random (but totally relevant) thing you probably don't know about me: I'm an impulse shopper. If I have too much time to think about something I will, inevitably talk myself out of it. I have been known to go to three different tattoo shops to get my tattoo right now, this minute because if I have to make an appointment, I'll bail. 

Not to mention the fact that now I am only working part time so I have WAY too much time on my hands to spend thinking. 

I maintain that I don't need a full time job right now because I'm so busy planning for the wedding but... I'm really starting to think I'm just scared of putting myself into another job and getting fired.

I've never been fired before this, and let me just say something... I never, ever thought it would suck this bad. I can honestly say that even after a super rocky adolescence of depression and suicide attempts, I never felt this worthless.

It's kind of like the feeling of believing you're completely worthless and then finding out your belief was entirely justified. 

I'm over my angst-y, teenage, depression and I would never even dream of attempting suicide again, but I'm not going to lie... I spent three days straight in bed, crying and making James get me McDonalds and ice cream.

Now, six weeks after the fact,  I'm not feeling so worthless anymore. I'm kind of over it, I try to be all Christian and accept it as 'it wasn't meant to be' even though I don't believe in that... 

But, all of the sudden it's like I'm gun-shy. I find myself looking at job listings with leftover feelings of inadequacy. I don't even bother applying because I tell myself it's not worth getting my hopes up.  

And with so much else going on? It's easy to just add it to the list of things in my pot of worry-stew. 

Air Force?

Chuck in some low self-esteem.


And a dash of every day concerns.

Did the rent check go out?
Who fed the dogs?
Eye doctor appointment Thursday at 8:45
Where the heck is my cell phone!?


"I'll have another Kessler's and Coke please?"

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