Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'm channeling my inner George Carlin today...

So this is just a short list of things that are pissing me off:

1) People with faux-hawks.
-PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. This is not New Jersey. You do not look cool. You look like a douche. This fad was over two years ago. David Beckham doesn't even look good like this anymore (and that's saying something because it takes a lot for me to not think David Beckham looks good). Next time I see one of you douchers out with your hair all gel-ed up like an ass hat I'm going to tar and feather you. Enough is enough.

2) The neighbor who gives me dirty looks when I run out to get the mail at three in the afternoon in my pajama pants and tank top.
-Don't judge me. You don't know me. I don't judge you when your wife sunbathes topless on the deck in your backyard or when your children (who are only outside twice a year btw) eat sand out of your sandbox. I work a third shift job. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being in my pajamas at 3:00pm. Maybe I'll start going out in just a thong and then you'll be thankful when I'm in my pajama pants!

3) People who live in the United States and can't speak English (and don't try to either)
-Don't get me wrong on this one. I know it's a super controversial issue. However, I know I would NEVER dream of permanently (or even long term temp) moving to a country where they speak a foreign language without beforehand making a serious effort to speak their language. I don't even expect people to speak English when I travel to foreign countries for vacation (even though most do). I always ensure that I have a dictionary in the language and some important phrases memorized. AND I'M JUST VISITING.  I don't care what you speak at home, I don't care what you speak at the grocery store but you should be capable of communicating with the majority of the population in the country where you are living.  I think it's wrong that people come here and expect to be accommodated when they make no effort to learn our language.

4) Motion Sensor Hand Soap Dispenser for you home
-This is a big one. I could write an entire post on this subject alone. As most of my IRL friends know I'm pretty disgusted by the American Germ Freak stigma. I don't wash my hands anytime I touch anything, I eat food that falls on the floor, and I don't get a clean towel every time I take a shower. In fact I don't even shower every day (I know some of you are cringing right now). So every time I see the commercial for this stupid pointless object (that I'm sure flies off the shelves at Wal-marts nation wide because it feeds some kind of cultural fear that if you aren't completely protected from all germs everywhere you WILL GET SICK AND DIE) I want to scream and tear my hair out.  There is no excuse to ever own one of these. EVER. And do you want to know why? Because you will never, ever, for any reason, what so ever, be touching the pump on your soap dispenser unless you are doing so to get soap on your hands to WASH THEM there by removing any germs you may have contracted when touching the pump. Get it? Good. stupid pointless grumble grumble...

Don't even get me started on that stupid backwards housecoat they are calling a 'Snuggie'. Seriously, go in the closet and get your robe and put in on backwards. There! You have a Snuggie.

5) Reality TV
- I can't even begin to explain how annoyed I am by reality TV. I miss sitcoms. Seriously, what happened to shows like Seinfeld and Friends? Did we really all get sick of that kind of television and make a collective decision that we would rather watch guidos flex and dry hump? I, for one, get way to much 'reality' at work. I would rather settle down on the couch with a soda and some chips and watch something that doesn't cause me to loose even more faith in humanity.

There. Rant officially over. Those are just my opinions about a few things that grind my gears. What are a few things that piss you guys off?

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't have said it better myself. And the automatic soap thing...I have never given a second thought to, until now. But I promise, you have planted a seed that will no doubt sprout. And from here on in, I will forever think differently about them. Hilarious! And for the record, I don't have one. But I am slightly bothered by bar soap for hand washing. Especially when old hand dirt settles into the dried up cracks. That gives me a serious case of the heebs.