Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Comedian

So, in the blog world I inhabit most there has been a lot of talk about weight and body image lately. Well, I have something to say... Um, you all know me (and for those of you who don't, hi...)

I'm a good friend.
I'm a good listener.
I make people smile.
I'm the funny one.
I have an amazing fiance who loves me for who I am despite the rolls.

No one can deny that I'm overweight, I mean my Wii calls me obese everyday. Even my television thinks I'm fat (traitor). I go to the doctor and the nurse winces at the scale, my family gives me that look every time I load up my dinner plate for seconds. So I say something funny, usually at my own expense, and everyone forgets that I'm eating for a while.

When you're fat that's all you've got. Humor. You're not thin and pretty like the other girls, you're not talented in arts or athletics like the other girls. So you learn to be funny. It's like, if I can make people laugh at me maybe they'll like me even though I'm not pretty or thin? And it works, but that ache never seems to go away. Even though I can make the whole crowd around me smile and laugh I still feel like shit inside because I know that I'm not thin, or pretty, or smart, or talented. I'm just fat. And since that's all I see I feel like that's all anyone else sees.

James has never called me fat, not once. But I know he wants me to be healthy. For me. For him. For our future kids... If we ever have kids... Two months ago my doctor diagnosed me with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. It's a hormone discrepancy in women of child baring age, it effects between 5%-10% of the population of the United States. The result of this syndrome is frequently infertility.  It's cause is thought to be weight related. I have a weight related sickness. I'm 22 years old and I have a weight related sickness that could potentially take away my ability to have babies.

You can understand why this might be upsetting... and do you know what I do when I'm upset?

I eat.

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