Haiku Mondays...

It feels superb to be back.

I missed you all lots.

I'll never leave you again. 

Memorial Day Rejuvenation.

First things first.

Thank you.

Thank you for sticking around and still being here to read this. It means a great deal to me.

Now, why? Why haven't I been here!?

I haven't written in over a month. Although I have read. A lot. I think I started this Blog feeling like I would be brilliant at it and then once I started reading more and more I realized I've nothing to say worth reading. I've never had this feeling before. I've always just kind of done things. But now I have this creeping sensation... 'what if they don't like me?'

I rant a lot.

And I enjoy ellipses...  :)

I like to cook, in fact I've prepared three separate recipies for this blog.

I've also been creating! Making multiple tutorials along the way.

Only to get to the site and find that I have very little ambition to actually post.

Then I did what any good chicken would do, I turned tail and fled. Retreated back into the safety of ranting and ellipse-ing to people who I know will at least pretend to like me. Well, NO MORE!

I think it would be best if I started a schedule. I kind of half heartedly tried with Haiku Mondays, which I liked btw and plan to continue. I was thinking of maybe adding Wordless Wednesday becuase I have always loved those, especially when they are personal pics. I've also been collecting and saving a number of sites that I stumble on and completely love that I want to post in a Favorite Things entry. On top of that I want to start adding an "Odds and Ends" feature at the conclusion of each full post just to jot down a few things floating threw my brain. Kind of like the website MMT (Makes Me Think).

So, for my Memorial Day Rejuvenation I'm going to start out with something fairly simple. I want to dedicate a few words to all of our nations fallen veterans.

I want to start out by saying, I don't agree with war. Personally I feel that war is just a widely accepted excuse to murder people who have something we want, or who we don't like for various reasons. I feel that almost any conflict can be resolved without resorting to violence.

But there is so much good our military does as well. Including providing aid and relief on behalf of the United States government and protecting the freedom and liberties of the citizens of this country in nonviolent ways. They are also responsible for a number of medical and technical advancements due to government funding.

Obviously, just like anything else, there are good things and bad things that can be argued about almost any point I've made here today. I really don't feel like hashing it out with any of you today over a military post, so if you've got an argument save it for the opinion pages of your local newspaper.

What I'm trying to get at here is that, whether I agree with a lot of what the military does on a regular basis or not, millions of soldiers put their butts on the line to give me the opportunity to enjoy the freedoms I have been  awarded as my birth right and they receive very little gratitude when the day is done.

Today I honor the 4,454 American soldiers that have been killed in Iraq and the 1,595 American soldiers who have lost their lives in Afghanistan since the War on Terror began in March of 2003.

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.

-Elmer Davis

I'm coming back full force, and I promise to post at regular intervals. Hopefully they will be at least half as interesting to read as they are to write.

Thanks again,
Rache

Odds & Ends

• Two weeks ago a 22 year old hung himself a couple of houses down from where my parents live. We had been neighbors for almost ten years, he was a grade behind me in school. I didn't even know his name.
• Yesterday my dog Harvey was mauled by a Great Dane at the area dog park. The Dane's owner just stood there and watched without even attempting to control his animal. Aside from now being terrified of other dogs, Harvey is expected to make a full recovery.
• My pregnant sister-in-law is due today. I will be a first time aunt. The doctor is expecting an 8lb baby. They will name him Nathan, if by mistake it should be a girl she will be Annabell.
• Planning a wedding is a huge headache. Especially when your fiancés mother hates you. 

Haiku Mondays... and a post from last week that I "forgot" about because it's depressing.

Working third shift sucks.

It makes my sleep time lonely.

But, no snores wake me.

:)

Speaking of work... I lost my second job. Like... six weeks ago. I haven't said anything about it because it sucks. And thinking about it makes my heart hurt a lot a little bit. 

So that house we were going to buy that I referenced in this post? Yeah, never mind about that.  No way that'll happen on one part-time income. I was crushed. 

I used the down payment money in my savings account to buy ice cream... and a scooter since gas is projected to soar over $5 a gallon this summer.

I mention it now because I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the future of our little family lately. 

James is |--this--| close to being locked in with the Air Force, we are having a wedding in September,  I have yet to finish my degree, and now we are one income down from where we are supposed to be. 

Random (but totally relevant) thing you probably don't know about me: I'm a super anxious, cynical, hyper-planner freak. I literally sit down and budget out my funds month by month for YEARS in advance. I know it makes very little sense. I rarely manage to stick to the budget for more than two months at a time because things come up. But it makes me feel better. Like I have a little more control over the direction of my life. 

I probably engage in this obsessive behavior 2 or 3 times a month. 

And right now I can't. 

Everything is too up in the air. I don't know what our financial situation will be next week, much less in three months. Now, I feel like I'm paddling my way through one of the biggest decisions of my life (marriage), completely blind. 

I second guess myself six times a day and it's getting to me. 

2nd Random (but totally relevant) thing you probably don't know about me: I'm an impulse shopper. If I have too much time to think about something I will, inevitably talk myself out of it. I have been known to go to three different tattoo shops to get my tattoo right now, this minute because if I have to make an appointment, I'll bail. 

Not to mention the fact that now I am only working part time so I have WAY too much time on my hands to spend thinking. 

I maintain that I don't need a full time job right now because I'm so busy planning for the wedding but... I'm really starting to think I'm just scared of putting myself into another job and getting fired.

I've never been fired before this, and let me just say something... I never, ever thought it would suck this bad. I can honestly say that even after a super rocky adolescence of depression and suicide attempts, I never felt this worthless.

It's kind of like the feeling of believing you're completely worthless and then finding out your belief was entirely justified. 

I'm over my angst-y, teenage, depression and I would never even dream of attempting suicide again, but I'm not going to lie... I spent three days straight in bed, crying and making James get me McDonalds and ice cream.

Now, six weeks after the fact,  I'm not feeling so worthless anymore. I'm kind of over it, I try to be all Christian and accept it as 'it wasn't meant to be' even though I don't believe in that... 

But, all of the sudden it's like I'm gun-shy. I find myself looking at job listings with leftover feelings of inadequacy. I don't even bother applying because I tell myself it's not worth getting my hopes up.  

And with so much else going on? It's easy to just add it to the list of things in my pot of worry-stew. 

Marriage?

Air Force?

Job?

Degree?

Chuck in some low self-esteem.

fat.

annoying.

lazy.

stupid.

And a dash of every day concerns.

Did the rent check go out?

Who fed the dogs?

Eye doctor appointment Thursday at 8:45

Where the heck is my cell phone!?

Viola! 

"I'll have another Kessler's and Coke please?"

Haiku Mondays...

I've woken up an hour late.

Five more minutes? Nope.

A hungry dog licks my face. 

If I won the lottery...

Top ten things I would do with the money in order:

l) Hire a really good financial planner.
2) Do whatever he tells me to do.
3) Pay off all of my debt.
3) Get health insurance.
4) Give a substantial amount to my immediate family members and charity
5) Buy a new car... a sensible one, that runs well and gets good gas mileage.
6) Buy a sports car... you know, for fun.
7) Buy a condo, with cash. (No more rent or mortgage!? Yes!)
8) Finish my degree
9) Move to Germany
10) Take lots of vacations with my family.