I'm channeling my inner George Carlin today...

So this is just a short list of things that are pissing me off:


1) People with faux-hawks.
-PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. This is not New Jersey. You do not look cool. You look like a douche. This fad was over two years ago. David Beckham doesn't even look good like this anymore (and that's saying something because it takes a lot for me to not think David Beckham looks good). Next time I see one of you douchers out with your hair all gel-ed up like an ass hat I'm going to tar and feather you. Enough is enough.


2) The neighbor who gives me dirty looks when I run out to get the mail at three in the afternoon in my pajama pants and tank top.
-Don't judge me. You don't know me. I don't judge you when your wife sunbathes topless on the deck in your backyard or when your children (who are only outside twice a year btw) eat sand out of your sandbox. I work a third shift job. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me being in my pajamas at 3:00pm. Maybe I'll start going out in just a thong and then you'll be thankful when I'm in my pajama pants!


3) People who live in the United States and can't speak English (and don't try to either)
-Don't get me wrong on this one. I know it's a super controversial issue. However, I know I would NEVER dream of permanently (or even long term temp) moving to a country where they speak a foreign language without beforehand making a serious effort to speak their language. I don't even expect people to speak English when I travel to foreign countries for vacation (even though most do). I always ensure that I have a dictionary in the language and some important phrases memorized. AND I'M JUST VISITING.  I don't care what you speak at home, I don't care what you speak at the grocery store but you should be capable of communicating with the majority of the population in the country where you are living.  I think it's wrong that people come here and expect to be accommodated when they make no effort to learn our language.


4) Motion Sensor Hand Soap Dispenser for you home
-This is a big one. I could write an entire post on this subject alone. As most of my IRL friends know I'm pretty disgusted by the American Germ Freak stigma. I don't wash my hands anytime I touch anything, I eat food that falls on the floor, and I don't get a clean towel every time I take a shower. In fact I don't even shower every day (I know some of you are cringing right now). So every time I see the commercial for this stupid pointless object (that I'm sure flies off the shelves at Wal-marts nation wide because it feeds some kind of cultural fear that if you aren't completely protected from all germs everywhere you WILL GET SICK AND DIE) I want to scream and tear my hair out.  There is no excuse to ever own one of these. EVER. And do you want to know why? Because you will never, ever, for any reason, what so ever, be touching the pump on your soap dispenser unless you are doing so to get soap on your hands to WASH THEM there by removing any germs you may have contracted when touching the pump. Get it? Good. stupid pointless grumble grumble...


Don't even get me started on that stupid backwards housecoat they are calling a 'Snuggie'. Seriously, go in the closet and get your robe and put in on backwards. There! You have a Snuggie.


5) Reality TV
- I can't even begin to explain how annoyed I am by reality TV. I miss sitcoms. Seriously, what happened to shows like Seinfeld and Friends? Did we really all get sick of that kind of television and make a collective decision that we would rather watch guidos flex and dry hump? I, for one, get way to much 'reality' at work. I would rather settle down on the couch with a soda and some chips and watch something that doesn't cause me to loose even more faith in humanity.


There. Rant officially over. Those are just my opinions about a few things that grind my gears. What are a few things that piss you guys off?

Can I trade my degree in for something cool? Like a dart gun?

Hi there how are you doing this evening?
     -Mehhh
...Is there something I can help you with?
     -Yeah, um... how much are your rooms for a night?
Well, since it's three o'clock in the morning I could probably give you a discount. How does $59.00 plus tax marked down from $89.00 sound?
     -Well, we um... only really need it for an hour or so... do you think you could go any cheaper than that?
*Internal Shudder* No, I'm sorry sir I'm not authorized to go any lower than $59.00 a night, but if you'd like I think the Super 8 across the street might have lower rates available.


So, apparently I have an associates degree in "Useless" because after four months of looking for a job I've finally landed one... where I do nothing for 5+ hours every night. I work third shift front desk at a Best Western. I literally come into work click about 10 buttons on the computer put all the shit that prints in an envelope and write the date on it. Then I put the envelope in a drawer and if no one calls down to complain or comes in with a hooker looking for a cheap bed for an hour I do nothing for the remainder of my shift. If it weren't for StumbleUpon I think I would go bezerk.
     Actually, I am going bezerk. I've already been offered and taken a different position... working at Avis DOING THE SAME THING for a dollar more an hour. So, I put my two-weeks notice in last week and the manager (who specifically told me he's not looking for an employee who's going to get hired and then leave in 15 days) has been nonstop giving me these super dirty looks, and I'm like, "Hey man, you should have told me before I signed the paperwork that you offer no benefits... Not even holiday pay. I mean what's up with that anyway? Who doesn't offer holiday pay for their employees? Even when I was in high school working part time I got time and a half when I physically worked a holiday."  But he doesn't really speak English very well so I didn't feel like repeating myself.
     Anyway, now I'm sitting here... at work... wondering why I even bothered to go to school and get myself $20,000 in debt if I'm just getting the same old positions I was getting before I even got my degree. This is the fourth hotel I've worked in since I started working in high school. Now, in less than two weeks I'll be training for a job that's basically the same thing only instead of checking people in and out of rooms I'll be checking cars out and in to the airport. The real kicker? I'll still be making barely enough to pay for that college degree that I was so consistently encouraged to get when I got out of high school.
     I think it's less a degree in "Useless" and more a useless degree and it's really sad because there are more and more people who are graduating from college tens of thousands of dollars in debt and struggling to find work at McDonald's. I can't tell you how many times I've seen resumes come in for a hotel job like housekeeping from people with full bachelors degrees. Meanwhile another company just reported a huge profit increase in the fourth quarter last year, but are they hiring this year because of it? No sir, they've learned the hard way not to spread themselves too thin by paying 5 people to do a job that they found out during the recession can actually be accomplished by 2 highly motivated people. And what's a better motivator than, "Do all this extra work as well as your existing work or I'll fire you and hire someone who will"?    
     Boy oh boy, I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about my shit job when there are so many people out of work, but what can I say? I'm a little bitter about the whole thing.


But this is the land of the free and the home of the brave, so I guess I'll do my best to work my hardest and maybe when I die and they dish out my money amongst my remaining relatives there will be slightly more than I have now. Old habits die hard after all.


I wonder what classes they're offering at Oshkosh this next year...

On a much happier note...

So, Christmas is over and it's officially the new year. Welcome to 2011. Woot.


As an annual requirement of existence I will now share my list of resolutions in order of their likelihood of surviving the month:
1) Stop laughing obscenely loudly at inappropriate times/ things.
     -Replace behavior with: quiet snickering that can be transformed into a cough if necessary
2) Learn how to recognize inappropriate times/ things, I will accomplish this by studying the speeches of Sarah Palin as everything she says is inappropriate.
     -She has that new show right? On TLC? This should be easy...
3) Stop referencing my pet fiddler crabs in Wal-mart as 'our crabs' just to see the reaction from the old bag wearing the leopard print behind us in line. (Honey did we pick up stuff for our crabs this month?)
4) Read more. The TV Guide menu doesn't count... Neither does the scrolling sign that is visible from the McDonald's drive thru.
5) Only spend money on things we need. Condoms, milk duds, and the fourth season of Big Love. No more spending money on non-essentials like gym memberships, hair cuts, and foods that give me gas.


Ah I feel better already. This is going to be a great year!

Dear Friends, ...Merry Christmas.

Okay, I'm writing this post because I love you all, you are all important to me and I care about you enough to be your friend in real life and not just on Facebook. I'm always here if you need me, no matter what you are going though, no matter what time of day it is, no matter how long it has been since I have actually seen your face.

I know you all care about me just as much, which is how I already know that you wish me a Merry Christmas. 

Please, please, please, please, please. PLEASE. Plz? DO NOT mass text me tomorrow to wish me a merry Christmas. Unlike most people I still pay for my texts and there are very few things that ruin my holidays more than knowing that at least 15 of my friends are going to text me and run up my cell phone bill. So, if you really do care about me please, please, please, take that extra 10 seconds to uncheck my name from you mass text list tomorrow. I would really appreciate it and I would have a 'Merry-er' Christmas because of it. 

If you would like to wish me a Merry Christmas, you are more than welcome to post on my wall or comment on this post I will see it. Promise. :)

Thank you all so much and Merry Christmas.

Fa-la-la-la-la la la la la

Does this piss anyone else off, or is it just me?

It's that time of year again.

The temperature has dropped. The snow has started to fall. Christmas Carols can be heard twenty four hours a day on 94.3 The Bridge. And my neighbors have started putting up their Christmas lights.

Now, before I start this nice little rant let me say this, I like Christmas. I like Santa. I'm even cool with Jesus (regardless of the fact that he is NOT the reason for the season). I like hot apple cider, and Christmas cookies. I swear I'm not about to start a Jihad against Christmas.

However, I'm not okay with the sickness that seems to overcome people in this country around the holidays which allows them to blatantly disregard the energy crisis we are currently facing.

The United States of America makes up for 20% of the energy consumed in the entire world. That would be okay if we supported 20% of the world population or even if we were consuming energy mainly from a renewable source, but neither condition is accurate. We only support 5% of the world population, and our main energy resources continue to be refined fossil fuels.

I swear I must be the only one who throws up a little in my mouth when I see the Smith's over there setting up three six ft tall blow-up characters, a light up nativity set, Santa and all the reindeer on their roof, and about 912,670 lights.

Not only are these displays grotesque, but these people actually make money off their gluttony! There are bus tours for citizens who want to view their houses and make donations to their energy bills!

I know most of the people in this country are mindless wasting machines who have been systematically conditioned to not give a shit about how much they consume (this goes for food and manufactured goods as well), but it really comes out full force around the holidays.

Countless Christmas parties where we are invited to stuff ourselves so full we have to unbutton our pants a little under the table. Christmas morning arrives and where little boys and girls used to receive one or two presents from Santa, they now carelessly unwrap one toy and throw it aside to unwrap the next, not even taking the time to fully appreciate what the first toy was before discarding it. And lets not forget those lights, doesn't this bother anyone else?

Just so we're clear, I'm talking about this:

This is bad, if your house looks like this: seek help. 

Not this:

This is okay, it looks very nice. Good work. 

So, one more time. This:

No good

Not this:

Very good, tasteful.

Some lights are fine, they look nice, they are very Christmas spirit-y. I have three strands myself, and when I have my own house I'm sure I'll have more. I'm talking about the ones that are outrageous, the houses where you know they are spending hundreds of dollars on electricity for their Christmas decorations alone. It's wrong, it's selfish, it's wasteful, most of the time it's downright ugly, but mainly it's completely unnecessary. I promise your neighbors aren't going to think less of you if you don't plaster your house with the usual 300 ugly, light-up, blow-up, confetti filled decorations this year. In fact they'll probably thank you if you don't, since now they can fall asleep at night without drawing the black out curtains.